Am I a Shitty Seed Sower?
No moment is identical.
Today, I was hit with an onslaught of old ambitions which I thought died long ago. Ambitions that, quite frankly, I feel too tired to seek out again. These ambitions served as a distraction and a coping mechanism to a life I hated. I was depressed for a long time, and my dreams were one of the few things which supplied hope.
All of that's changed, now. I have a new life, and I find myself always hopeful, even when it hurts.
Sometimes I wonder if my most precious energy is spent for personal well-being; and if that is the case, then the cost of killing dreams is surely worth it, right? I've come to terms that my priority must be to my spiritual health because that feeds into my mental health, which then uplifts my imperfect family life. Honestly, the amount of effort required to sustain a healthy family dynamic is exhausting. I have to wonder, then, if it has sucked out a fiery entrepreneurial spirit I surely have seeds of.
I just don't seem to have the energy to water any of those seeds.